Michael Baird
4 min readJun 10, 2017


Facebook users can be proud. Together we’ve ruined countless marriages and over-thrown the totalitarian government of Egypt. Is there a greater joy than watching a friend’s kid “win” this week’s citizen of the week award, or ignoring an invite to a concert? With this in mind, each of us has sat at a family party and convinced an older relative to join our happy little gang of billions. So, they join. From there, invariably, we see a display of that generation’s unyielding faith in the written word. These folks grew up in a time where “seeing is believing” and the written word or news actually meant something. We grew up watching feigned legitimacy like the WWF, Fox News, and the NBA. Accordingly, these folks believe everything they read and see. They treat ‘thisisnottrue.com’ like it’s the Wall Street Journal. We, of course, know falsehood when it’s in front of us. Thus begins a tension. With their new found research mechanism, our beloved relatives begin sharing of right wing propaganda posts. Like most things old people know, these posts are obviously untrue. We try to tell them the posts are untrue, only to have our concerns summarily dismissed.

So, here are some over-exaggerated examples that I made up for you to share with the beloved older Facebook user in your life, either to point out how absurd they are, or to simply watch them believe and realize you’ll never convince them otherwise.

Here we go:


Found News Article Involving Historic Patriots Supporting One Side of a Modern Day Political Argument

The post usually reads something like this:

“Pulled this from a newspaper in 1772, thought you’d appreciate it. Definitely something today’s Democrats need to read:


-Philadelphia- 1772-

A ye-olde group of radicals were arrested Tuesday night by local magistrate, Edward the Longshanks. By all accounts the individuals were protesting England’s insistence on providing head-bandages, drums, and crutches to injured people. Longshanks insisted that the rebels relinquish their arms, and allow him to have sex with their daughters on the first night of their wedding. When the men refused to hand over their weapons; they were arrested.

The rebels identified as Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Adams, George Washington, Tom Hanks, Martin Luther King Jr., and Abraham Lincoln, are currently held in a dirty jail cell.

Hmmm prosecuted for not agreeing with the government…sound familiar?”

This never happened. If Tom Hanks were arrested, we would know.


A Well-Mannered Mother of Three Marines Politely Confronts a Small Group of Liberals Shouting Talking Points

The post usually reads something like this:

I was having my coffee and toast when I overheard a group of young people, probably my son Chester A. Arthur ‘s age, having the most disturbing conversation.

“I want free things,” said one.

“I think Muslims totally rock. I want them to take us over,” said another.

My father was a snowplow driver. We never had much, but he taught me about hard work and loving your neighbor. So, I calmly walked over to them.

“I appreciate your thoughts, and while we live in a country where we’re encouraged to disagree, I think it’s important to remember that there are people fighting for your ability to say these things,” I said.

“Bill Maher said screw the baby killers, lady. Also, I like Pauly Shore’s movies. What do you think about that?”

I held my breath. I stayed calm and reminded them about the time Jesus boosted Jerusalem’s economy when they successfully passed a flat tax.

The other diners were smiling and quiet. An elderly Chinese man offered to pay for my breakfast and told me he was concerned because this was how the young people were in his country before communism took over.

This is fiction, bad fiction. People don’t talk like this. Also, old Chinese men teach Karate to poor kids for free. They’re not buying anybody’s breakfast.


A “Small-Business Owner” Lays off Workers Because of the President

The post usually reads something like this:

When he thought Hillary was going to get elected, my friend who owns a small business had to lay people off drafted the following memo, thought it was great:

-Dear Workers Who Totally Exist At My Small Business That I Own:

Because I think Hillary is going to be President, I need to fire half of you. So, I decided to check out your cars to see for whom you all voted, ignore common decency, and fire you via this memo. So, if you have an Obama or Hillary bumper sticker on your car, you’re fired. I don’t care if you borrowed someone else’s car today. I am sure you’ll be able to find another job doing whatever this totally real small business does. Just to reiterate, I am a small business owner, and Democrats are bad.


Small Business Owner Who Exists

If any small business owner could live without half of their work force, they would. It doesn’t matter who is President.

Having said that, if you are going to incorporate this arbitrary method of firing, bumper stickers would be a good place to start: name of a band-gone; anything about guns/2nd amendment-gone; anything about “Grand-dogs”-gone.

So, send this along to your beloved family member who believes everything the internet says. But, remember love them for who they are. They do the same for you.



Michael Baird

Writer of words, oxford comma user, and wealthy philanthropist. Mike has a collection of short fiction, “Bottom of the Bag” available on Amazon.